Hello my fellow traveller, might you use a song to brighten your day? Or perhaps a story of wonder? Could you imagine an evil unicorn? How about a crying drow? Yes a crying drow. Well it is a true story if ever there was one!
My name dear sir is Gaston Redcap, and I have traveled from the west to search for an audience worthy of my years of training and uncanny natural ability. Ha ha you won’t believe it but I can tell from your appearance that YOU are my perfect audience! It is truer than the words of Bahamut dear sir!
This ’morrow a beautiful woman came to my place of work, which is common, so I thought little of it. My cave usually, er, I mean my cottage is the spot where women learn all about love if you get my meaning he-hey! She was startled to see me because…I was the most handsome man she met and she started crying almost immediately under her cowl for finally finding passion in her heart.
There was more though, this woman had skin that gave darkness new meaning, and fiery red eyes that made her tears seam pink to me. She was drow sir, and I had calmed her fires and turned them to love.
Now wait wait, you say this is silly but, Ok I’ll let go of your sleeve but just let me engross you for a few minutes more, and this story will be only a gold piece…a SILVER piece sir…Ok Ok I’ll pay you, just sit down!
This money came from her you know, she couldn’t communicate at all in the common tongue so I offered to write her thoughts in song. Over the day, she told me some odd news indeed.
There is a town of hearty dwarves that rely on women to protect their city. Due to our proximity, I only imagine she meant Outlook. The lady said that her group of courtesans were secretly great fighters under the silks and corsets, and well you know those shapely bodies he-hey!
This group of women has an elf male that keeps them from being lost in the wild. The drow woman said her best friend was also in the group, a cat creature with womanly appearances. The drow said she was confused about the cat, but that was before she saw my lush chest hair as I opened my burlap, I mean my fine silk clothes, so she would see everything a man offers over that of a woman he-hey!
This group of women had a fallen princess from a land called Lencia. Have you heard of it? It is out west? Like me? Like me! Oh yes of course I knew that of course. Just testing you on the geography as it were.
Where was I? Oh yes, this foul ex-princess woman is so ugly that she is forced to wear a helmet in fear of men running away. The drow said she wished to learn how to fight better from the ugly princess, but that the ugly princess only mocked her for having a perfect body. The drow said she desperately wanted to befriend the ugly ex-princess but to no avail.
Ogres and Orcs attacked the women in their sleeping chambers as they were dreaming of moustachoid men and pouting in mock kisses, as I understood her words. The secret group of female fighters defeated the monsters, but the previous mocks were too much for the drow’s dainty disposition. She spent moments with her cat friend and promised to return, but only when she regained her wits about her, to stand-up to the ugly ex-princess and had found comfort in the knowing arms of a real man like myself.
Why, I myself met the metal wearing she-beast, it was she that gave me this black eye, and scorched my fine clothes with lightning from her eyes as I protected the drow woman’s escape.
Sir? You nodded off. I wrote a song that the woman paid a silver to have written! Would you care to hear? Ah, I will follow you as you mount your horse and sing you away with it!
OGRES, MIRIA, AND ORCS
words by the bard Gaston Redcap
tune by the bard Gaston Redcap
What makes you scream dear children and ladies?
The sight of Orges and Orcs o’er the lands,
Well what if I told you there was worse than that?
The black heart of Miria D’Urban!
She finds no love so gives none back,
The reason is simple to see,
She replaces the sword not a sword with a sword,
Thus keeping her wedding bed free.
She killed a woman in the streets for sport,
She granted a necromancer reprieve,
She carried the head of a ranger for days,
And slept in the chambers of thieves.
But fear not dear ladies and children of the world,
She lives in the sewers most days,
She fears those who do good and right,
So respect what your elders do say!